Duality, double-chilled
This blog is back on the air again after routine maintenance, particularly a full lubrication service. I don’t think I got particularly drunk, but opinion on that point varies. I was sitting alongside Five-Foor Sailor in the pub and she sang Slievenamon four times. Or so I thought. The morning after, she denied ever singing it at all, or even knowing it. ‘Slievenamon? What the fuck is that? Don’t know it at all. I NEVER sing Slievenamon. You musta bin’ paralytic’’.That kind of an unconvincing line. Sloop John B maintained she sang six full renditions, and a few odd fragments. All I can say is that the pint in the west of Ireland is nearly as good as in my favourite hotel in Glin. Which is extremely good indeed. And the Black Bush is always good intransigent whiskey wherever you get it. Pure spirit of Drumcree.
Anyway, since I went to the new Doolin cave in Clare and saw all those phonographers in action, I’ve been pondering the dearth of truly successful dual-purpose devices that have ever been on the market. By that I mean things like clock-radios, Swiss Army penknives, and so forth. Except there’s no so forth. Once upon a time you could even buy a vacuum cleaner (no free product endorsements here, take note) that doubled up as a paint sprayer, so that you could clean the house and re-spray the car, if you really wanted to impress visiting relatives.
The sheer nonsensical ridiculousness of the camera-phone is matched only by the refrigerators with televisions in their doors. Now I could see some sense in having the television inside, so you could munch on a ham sandwich and slug a bottle of beer while you watched the Israelis shelling South Lebanon on Sky News. But what the fuck would you do with a television on the door? Invite you girlfriend round for a lobster and Chablis supper, and snuggle up watching the telly in front of a nice cold fridge? Not likely. ‘Fuck off’, she’d most likely say. ‘It’s the whole works – briquettes, doo-dah, de-doo music or nothin’.
You don’t believe me? Then Google for ‘fridge television’ and just see what you’ll get on one pull of the net. You’ll see all about this model, for a handy six grand:
And this is what it does, according to its maker:
Watch TV, listen to music or surf the internet using this titanium finish, state-of-the-art fridge freezer. It’s the ultimate in kitchen technology with a built-in MP3 player for downloading and playing music from the internet, e-mail and video mail using a built-in camera and microphone. It even has full internet access so you can re-stock the refrigerator on-line or check on the latest news and weather - all without leaving the kitchen. And it’s great for storing food too. It has a 506 litre capacity fridge and 310 litre capacity freezer, and a fully electronic temperature control system, which cools each compartment evenly. What’s more, it has a chilled water and ice dispenser, it diagnoses minor faults on-screen and has a contents page for entering and monitoring food content and expiry dates.
It diagnoses minor faults.Most merciful Jesus! What about when it develops major faults? Who’s diagnosing those? Some shagger in a dirty Citroen van charging the price of a full criminal defence? ‘I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the fridge. The minor fault diagnoser web interface module is bollixed, and that’s a major fault. The parts alone are fifteen grand.’ One of those lines. But look closer. It has a microphone, speakers and a camera. Remember Bill Shatner in Star Trek? ‘Computer – how many gigalightyears an hour are we doin’ at the moment?’ Well, you could say ‘Fridge, who drank all the fuckin’ Lidl cider in the yellow cans?’ , if you had a GRD267DTU. And the fridge is likely to say coolly, fuck off you sweaty bollix, you did.
If it were up to me, I’d be thinking along the lines of combining a ride-on lawnmower with a DVD player. You could drive hypnotically up and down the lawn, watching your favourite movies. If you had a few Playstation games, you could even try to get a teenager to do it. Go further, and combine a GPS, a SATNAV and a ride-on lawnmower, and you could really relax. You could programme in a waypoint wherever the barbecue is stashed. Now, the clever part would be to interface the ride-on with the talking fridge, so that you could stop off at the fridge for a can of cider after mowing the lawn. As you do.
Now I’m off to search the web for a fridge with a tap of draught cider and a cigar humidor. Could really use one of those.
Nuts
Anyway, since I went to the new Doolin cave in Clare and saw all those phonographers in action, I’ve been pondering the dearth of truly successful dual-purpose devices that have ever been on the market. By that I mean things like clock-radios, Swiss Army penknives, and so forth. Except there’s no so forth. Once upon a time you could even buy a vacuum cleaner (no free product endorsements here, take note) that doubled up as a paint sprayer, so that you could clean the house and re-spray the car, if you really wanted to impress visiting relatives.
The sheer nonsensical ridiculousness of the camera-phone is matched only by the refrigerators with televisions in their doors. Now I could see some sense in having the television inside, so you could munch on a ham sandwich and slug a bottle of beer while you watched the Israelis shelling South Lebanon on Sky News. But what the fuck would you do with a television on the door? Invite you girlfriend round for a lobster and Chablis supper, and snuggle up watching the telly in front of a nice cold fridge? Not likely. ‘Fuck off’, she’d most likely say. ‘It’s the whole works – briquettes, doo-dah, de-doo music or nothin’.
You don’t believe me? Then Google for ‘fridge television’ and just see what you’ll get on one pull of the net. You’ll see all about this model, for a handy six grand:
And this is what it does, according to its maker:
Watch TV, listen to music or surf the internet using this titanium finish, state-of-the-art fridge freezer. It’s the ultimate in kitchen technology with a built-in MP3 player for downloading and playing music from the internet, e-mail and video mail using a built-in camera and microphone. It even has full internet access so you can re-stock the refrigerator on-line or check on the latest news and weather - all without leaving the kitchen. And it’s great for storing food too. It has a 506 litre capacity fridge and 310 litre capacity freezer, and a fully electronic temperature control system, which cools each compartment evenly. What’s more, it has a chilled water and ice dispenser, it diagnoses minor faults on-screen and has a contents page for entering and monitoring food content and expiry dates.
It diagnoses minor faults.Most merciful Jesus! What about when it develops major faults? Who’s diagnosing those? Some shagger in a dirty Citroen van charging the price of a full criminal defence? ‘I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the fridge. The minor fault diagnoser web interface module is bollixed, and that’s a major fault. The parts alone are fifteen grand.’ One of those lines. But look closer. It has a microphone, speakers and a camera. Remember Bill Shatner in Star Trek? ‘Computer – how many gigalightyears an hour are we doin’ at the moment?’ Well, you could say ‘Fridge, who drank all the fuckin’ Lidl cider in the yellow cans?’ , if you had a GRD267DTU. And the fridge is likely to say coolly, fuck off you sweaty bollix, you did.
If it were up to me, I’d be thinking along the lines of combining a ride-on lawnmower with a DVD player. You could drive hypnotically up and down the lawn, watching your favourite movies. If you had a few Playstation games, you could even try to get a teenager to do it. Go further, and combine a GPS, a SATNAV and a ride-on lawnmower, and you could really relax. You could programme in a waypoint wherever the barbecue is stashed. Now, the clever part would be to interface the ride-on with the talking fridge, so that you could stop off at the fridge for a can of cider after mowing the lawn. As you do.
Now I’m off to search the web for a fridge with a tap of draught cider and a cigar humidor. Could really use one of those.
Nuts
posted by The Bolted Nut | 7:24 PM
1 Comments:
I'd say the vacuum cleaner you're referring to is a Kirby, one of the most wonderful appliances known to humankind. I had a neighbour once who bought a Kirby vacuum cleaner and used it to build a house. Because the Kirby is modular, you can buy whatever atachments you think will be useful to you. And so my neighbour got the carpet-cleaning attachment as it came free, so to speak, but also opted for the concrete mixer, the pebble-dash sprayer and the nail gun. After some deliberation, he decided that any good vacuum cleaner should include a car jack for his Transit van and a rock breaker, so he paid for them too. Finally, and following extensive discussion with the salesman, he selected the final attachment: a welder. And do you you know what? He never regretted his choices for a single day.
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