Women, God Bless 'em.
If I ever retire to a small thatched cottage in the Burren, if there's any of it left in a few years' time, I'll spend the first winter's night drinking a bottle or two of good twelve-year old Redbreast whiskey, smoking a historic Romeo y Julietta No 3 cigar, or even a black Bolivar,and sitting before a sleán-cut turf fire. I need to buy a cottage to do all this, because I can no longer do it in Robert Cassidy's wonderful pub in Carron, thanks to the bloody smoking laws, and I could say a lot about that too some other time. Anyway, once I'm well settled, I'll write a book.
Women - The Workshop Manual!!!
How to figure 'em out. How to re-tune 'em when they're spluttering. Let's not talk about how to make 'em go quicker or handle better in case we get misunderstood by those of low motive. How to accept their need for handbags by the dozen, and shoes by the hundred. Why they need five hundred and seventy six little jars of stuff in the bathroom. How they can look at a stuffed wardrobe and howl 'I've nothing to wear' and mean it. Why candles in the bath make 'em dozy. Why a half-bottle of blue Smirnoff makes 'em everything else.
I reckon a book like that would make a million in the first week alone. Just imagine how it would go on Amazon dot com!!
Customers who bought this book also purchased:
'Advanced Rocket Science', auth. Werner von Braun, Pub. the CIA, [1945] Washington
'Brain Surgery made simple (for Engineers)' Einstein, A., [1958] Seattle WA
'DIY heart transplant techniques' Barnard C, 1970, Johannesburg
And more of that ilk.
'Be the first to review this book'! Just imagine! Doug from Douglas would be spouting Corkman's prose. 'Hey boy, I bought this book, right? I thought, well, just another book for the jacks, right? Well, I'll tell you, right? It's bloody marvellous, ok? Ya know what I mean like? I mean like it tells ya about women, like, right? Whoy they buy shoes, what they carry in their handbags, whoy they love getting shaggin' flowers and all that jazz, right?
It would be a best seller no doubt. But. Like Waylon Jennings said to the band on a live album...
Hold it down...
it's got a hell of a rythym....
Yeah...
I'm just tryin' to think of the first line.
Nuts
Women - The Workshop Manual!!!
How to figure 'em out. How to re-tune 'em when they're spluttering. Let's not talk about how to make 'em go quicker or handle better in case we get misunderstood by those of low motive. How to accept their need for handbags by the dozen, and shoes by the hundred. Why they need five hundred and seventy six little jars of stuff in the bathroom. How they can look at a stuffed wardrobe and howl 'I've nothing to wear' and mean it. Why candles in the bath make 'em dozy. Why a half-bottle of blue Smirnoff makes 'em everything else.
I reckon a book like that would make a million in the first week alone. Just imagine how it would go on Amazon dot com!!
Customers who bought this book also purchased:
'Advanced Rocket Science', auth. Werner von Braun, Pub. the CIA, [1945] Washington
'Brain Surgery made simple (for Engineers)' Einstein, A., [1958] Seattle WA
'DIY heart transplant techniques' Barnard C, 1970, Johannesburg
And more of that ilk.
'Be the first to review this book'! Just imagine! Doug from Douglas would be spouting Corkman's prose. 'Hey boy, I bought this book, right? I thought, well, just another book for the jacks, right? Well, I'll tell you, right? It's bloody marvellous, ok? Ya know what I mean like? I mean like it tells ya about women, like, right? Whoy they buy shoes, what they carry in their handbags, whoy they love getting shaggin' flowers and all that jazz, right?
It would be a best seller no doubt. But. Like Waylon Jennings said to the band on a live album...
Hold it down...
it's got a hell of a rythym....
Yeah...
I'm just tryin' to think of the first line.
Nuts
posted by The Bolted Nut | 11:20 PM
3 Comments:
Amigo: the great jest you put forth is smile-worthy indeed. Women are like a Zen Koan...with no rational answer to the mysteries they present. And like a Koan, it is the study, the contemplation, the analysis that is most worthwhile.
There was such a book a good few years back. It was called How to Please a Woman, by Rider Haggard.
Spluttering? I love it! I'll write the prequel 'how to get a woman in a workshop' or 'girls, he hid it in the workshop' or some such lure so you can get started /-)
Spluttering.. :-)
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